21st July 2014 - One Liners in Parliament

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Ireland recovered from the devastation that was Garthgate this week by distracting itself with some of the most ridiculous discussions ever to take place in the Oireachtas. In the week that the politicians went on their respective jolliers, they were determined to leave the public something by which to remember them, apart from attempting to introduce emergency legislation so that nearly half a million people could see a fat man in a stetson singing.

The Seanad reaffirmed the electorate’s decision to keep the upper house in last year’s referendum by discussing the theft of children’s lollipops by avian burglars. “Dublin seagulls have lost the run of themselves” proclaimed legislator and genuine grown-up human being Ned O’Sullivan. “They must be stopped” he said, calling on the government to take action, before clarifying his position on other birds: “I have nothing against pigeons. I can take or leave pigeons. But I am very much against seagulls”. O’Sullivan’s position on the Middle East has yet to be established. These comments come only weeks after calls were made in the Seanad to introduce legislation for the regulation of ice cream vans. “It’s not that I’m anti-ice cream” Senator Catherine Noone said, backpeddling. Sen. Noone is believed to favour Loop the Loops over 99s, but has yet to publicly declare her stance on the issue.

Meanwhile over at the Public Accounts Committee, during a discussion about the independence of the legal advisor, rockstar-slash-TD John Deasy (FG) had a serious dose of clarity, as he came to the very sudden and very loud epiphany that his colleagues on the committee are in fact thoroughly qualified to carry out their roles as politicians. “Bullshit” he exclaimed, addressing TD Shane Ross (Ind), “You are a bullshitter”. TD Mary Lou McDonald (SF) was next to feel the wrath of Deasy: “You’re a bullshitter too”, he informed her when she attempted to interrupt his eloquent oration. When asked if he would like to withdraw his comments, Deasy responded “Like hell I will”, and ran his fingers cooly through his hair. He then left the committee room, but not before telling the other committee members to ‘Have a nice summer’. A man was seen leaving Leinster House on a Harley Davidson a short time later, wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket.

In a week that brought with it classic one-liners, Ireland said goodbye to a man with his fair share. The terms ‘Okey-doke’, ‘We’ll leave it there so’ and ‘All right now Eamon, calm down, that’s enough, put it away’ will always hold a special place in Irish people’s hearts thanks to broadcaster Bill O’Herlihy, who retired after the World Cup final between Germany and Argentina. Modest in his final broadcast, montages of Bill’s finer moments were shown, prompting the renewed support of the remaining trio of panelists - Eamon Dunphy, John Giles and Liam Brady - from the Irish public. “Ah sure they’re grand lads” commented one punter in Dublin, answering the question he himself will ask his disinterested wife in six months time: “How the in the name of jaysis are these eejits still working for RTE?”

WORLD NEWS

MIDDLE EAST

This week saw the Israeli Defence Forces continue with their calm and measured response to indiscriminate rocket fire from militant members of Hamas into southern Israel, by bombing the absolute shit out of Gaza, and following it up with a ground invasion. At the time of writing, over three hundred Palestinians had been killed, but it is unclear how many of these were militants. It may have been possible to identify Hamas militants, but unfortunately nobody knows what they look like, as they spend most of the time hiding behind civilians.

The Israeli Defence Forces issued statements that they were doing ‘everything within their power’ to protect the civilians of Gaza, noting that Hamas was not taking these measures to protect Israelis. Such measures have included phonecalls and ‘knock-on-the-door’ missiles, designed to explode in residential areas to warn civilians that the area will be heavily shelled in the coming minutes. The use of the latter device, to protect the civilians of Gaza, involves warning them that their house is going to be bombed, by bombing their house.

UKRAINE

Yet another air tragedy struck Malaysian Airlines, when flight MH17 from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur was downed as it crossed Ukraine airspace, killing all 298 people on board. The flight is believed to have been struck by a surface-to-air missile, prompting a rapid game of pass-the-blame between Russia, Ukraine and separatists in the east of Ukraine, who have control of the area where the wreckage landed, and had earlier in the week shot down Ukrainian military jets in the area. Efforts to retrieve the black box flight recorders were supported by the separatists. While initially stating they ‘hadn’t seen them anywhere themselves’, this was followed days later with ‘oh, thooooose black boxes’, and the recorders were handed over to a Malaysian officials.

The incident sparked off yet another game of proxy-tut-tutting between Russia and the West, with the US and UK condemning Russia for arming pro-Russia militia in eastern Ukraine. Both, however, stared awkwardly at the ground and muttered something inaudible when asked where the weapons killing civilians in Gaza had come from.

SPORT

The weekend saw two young titans of Irish sport show their dominance in their respective disciplines.

On Saturday, mixed martial artist Conor McGregor beat Brazilian Diego Brandao in their UFC showdown in the O2 in Dublin. The fight, which sold out in under half an hour, with tickets priced as much as €175, was won by a technical knock-out in the fourth minute. In typically understated fashion, McGregor had told fans at the weigh-in that he was ‘going to tear Brandao’s head off’, which he failed to follow through on. Following the fight, McGregor stated his desire to fight in front of larger Irish audiences, and mooted stadium fights a possibility, coughing while somebody somewhere said something like ‘subjectolicense’.

And finally, Rory McIlroy captured his third career major, winning the Open Championship at Hoylake. McIlroy dedicated the win to his mother, Rosie. The dedication is sure to mean a lot to his mother, while his father had to be content with the £100,000 he won on a bet placed on his son in 2004, putting paid to the age-old question of whether it is better to bear your children, or bet on them.